Divorce

Why doesn’t the religious right rail against divorce? Jesus preaches against it in Matthew 19:3-9. Not a peep from religious right. No calls for a constitutional amendment banning divorce. Since millions of divorced people might cringe at being called “adulterers”, I suppose it would not be politically prudent to demonstrate in front of courthouses holding up pictures of married couples being pulled asunder.

Halliburton $35 Billion Killing

According to one credible estimate, 109,032 people died as a result of “Iraqi Freedom”. For them, freedom means release from the pain and cares of earthly existence. This number includes dead American service personnel as well as Iraqi civilians and those killed fighting the army who invaded their country. Halliburton received 35 billion dollars from the government for their Iraqi program. This comes out to $321,006.67 per human life. With this money you can buy a nice house in an American suburb.

How I Became A Heterosexual

When I was 12 years. I was faced with one of the more important decisions a young man must make – what sexual lifestyle was I going to adopt? Even though my DNA seemed to point me to the heterosexual lifestyle – I was attracted to the female form, I snuck peaks at Playboy magazine whenever the rare opportunity arose. Most of all, fantasies of having sex with a woman, any woman, took up so much of my attention that hardly a day went by when I was not nearly run over by a truck due to my intense reverie. But despite this overwhelming attraction to the opposite sex, all this meant nothing until I made the decision, the willful act. So after days of careful deliberation, on July 19, 1961, I chose to follow the heterosexual lifestyle. And I never looked back.

LeBron Agonistes

Just got off the phone with LeBron,,, I am telling you, he is one despondent dude! Much what he said was deeply personal: how tough it was growing up without a dad. He had many people who took his place… well, I won’t say anymore.

What struck me to the core was his deep feeling of regret that he disappointed his Akron fans. When the rest of the world was calling him an “asshole” or “turn coat”, “douche bag”, “over-rated greedy mother, no, money-grubbing jerk”, you know the cruelty he had to face. I had to choke back tears, I don’t know, it gave me a funny taste in my mouth.

Now LeBron did say something relating to the game that gave me pause. He and his teammates felt that the food served to them for breakfast and lunch had a weird taste and smell – like burning olives, it was described. I googled “burning olives” and they returned useless garbage about a forest fire in Greece… what, are they kidding? I think, in fact, I know, that DUNCAN and his sordid co-horts invaded the hotel kitchen in San Antonio and POISONED the Heat’s food! The team doctor collected fecal matter from all the players for analysis. The results will be announced at the end of the week.

This world is a terrible place if athletic GODS like LeBron James can’t play basketball – just basketball – without being assaulted and insulted by evil men only to be poisoned on Father’s Day, in front of the KIDS… This is so sad… the Goths and the Visigoths have sacked the Imperial City. The Dark Ages and the Bubonic Plague will soon follow.

I’m sleeping on the roof tonight, under the stars.

NBA Finals

Let me inform you what is happening behind the scene:

I advised LeBron James and his squad to DEMAND the following condition be met or Miami wins the championship by DEFAULT:
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Because of TIM DUNCAN’S felonious assaults on LeBron James, games 3 & 4 should be replayed with TIM DUNCAN’S HANDS cuffed behind his back! He thinks he’s so great, let him prove it!
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After many hours of sometimes spirited discussions I had with NBA management, the league finally convinced me that replaying the two games would violate their contract with the networks and they had, with great reluctance, turn down my unalterable demand. My best friend Magic Johnson commented, “Mister Mark, I never seen you so mad!”
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A man has to know when it’s time to move on, so this is our agreement reached concerning games 3 & 4:
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1) The score of game 3 will be changed SA 111, MIA 110.99
2) The score of game 4 will be changed SA 107, MIA 106.99
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The record will say that both games were played to triple overtime and the outcome in both cases was due to DUNCAN cold-cocking Lebron with a BASEBALL BAT!!!
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They had to squeeze my PRIVATES to wring this deal from me but I thought this was best for the league and for the KIDS.
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I am beside myself so I have taken to bed in a very dark room.

Pry Your Dead Cold Fingers From The Trigger…

 It’s one thing to carry a firearm, it’s another thing to use it effectively in a gun fight. In this case, you are not shooting at a beer bottle sitting on a fence post, you are in mortal combat with a maniac who is trying to kill you. These concealed carry types who try to be heros will succeed in getting themselves killed or hitting innocent bystanders.