Grammar Advice

grammarly

I discovered that the most difficult time to refrain from correcting grammar and syntax is at the moment of sexual climax. The partner seems to be speaking in tongues, violating all rules of civilized discourse. For example, demanding your partner to parse the phrase “Ooga, hooga, HOWL! Feek! Fook!” may lead to the termination of a heretofore stimulating relationship. The proper course of conduct when faced with this dilemma is to choke on the words, swallow your tongue, or cut your lips with a razor blade.

Ebola Czar

Here I am sitting at home, semi-retired, supposedly with no medical or health care experience, and I was not appointed “Ebola Czar” by the president. I am outraged and so should all Americans.

For many years I’ve gone to physicians for a wide range of ailments. I even spent weeks in the hospital as a patient. I mastered the schedule that meals are delivered, I know how to keep perfectly still when nurses take my blood pressure – I even became adept of raising and lowering a hospital bed.

Not to boast, in my late teens and early twenties, I qualified as a registered hypochondriac. I was able to diagnose my own heart attacks and brain tumors given the most insignificant symptoms.

I would make an absolutely smashing Ebola Czar. Maybe I was short listed.

Watch Out!

Beware of Sin Holes. You’ll be strolling down the sidewalk thinking of masturbation and a Sin Hole swallows you up. There you will suffer the hot, hot hate of Jesus Christ! Seconds seem like years until He spits you up to live out your stupid, disgusting life.

Laurence Olivier

Last Sunday’s NY Times printed a review of Laurence Olivier’s latest bio. The reviewer discusses Olivier’s training as an actor in the English theater. It took him two years to learn how to walk on stage. It took him two years to learn how to LAUGH properly on stage. If he had any hope of playing Falstaff or Sir Toby, he would certainly have to pass Advanced Belching, a THREE year ordeal. Did the prospective actors even have the time to pretend to be butterflies caught in a hailstorm?

Turkey Turkey Gobble Gobble

Three-quarters the way through a previous life, I was an ice cream truck driver.  I’d crawl through city neighborhoods playing Turkey In The Straw and sell fake ice cream! It was made out of Elmer’s glue and rabbit pellets!!!

I never went to the same neighborhood twice! Ha!! Ha!!! I made a fortune! My career ended when the refrigerated part of the truck caught on fire boiling the glue and popping the pellets!

I was convicted for basically being a sick bastard.  Out of concern for the prison population, I was set free.

Divorce

Why doesn’t the religious right rail against divorce? Jesus preaches against it in Matthew 19:3-9. Not a peep from religious right. No calls for a constitutional amendment banning divorce. Since millions of divorced people might cringe at being called “adulterers”, I suppose it would not be politically prudent to demonstrate in front of courthouses holding up pictures of married couples being pulled asunder.