Laurence Olivier

Last Sunday’s NY Times printed a review of Laurence Olivier’s latest bio. The reviewer discusses Olivier’s training as an actor in the English theater. It took him two years to learn how to walk on stage. It took him two years to learn how to LAUGH properly on stage. If he had any hope of playing Falstaff or Sir Toby, he would certainly have to pass Advanced Belching, a THREE year ordeal. Did the prospective actors even have the time to pretend to be butterflies caught in a hailstorm?

Turkey Turkey Gobble Gobble

Three-quarters the way through a previous life, I was an ice cream truck driver.  I’d crawl through city neighborhoods playing Turkey In The Straw and sell fake ice cream! It was made out of Elmer’s glue and rabbit pellets!!!

I never went to the same neighborhood twice! Ha!! Ha!!! I made a fortune! My career ended when the refrigerated part of the truck caught on fire boiling the glue and popping the pellets!

I was convicted for basically being a sick bastard.  Out of concern for the prison population, I was set free.

Divorce

Why doesn’t the religious right rail against divorce? Jesus preaches against it in Matthew 19:3-9. Not a peep from religious right. No calls for a constitutional amendment banning divorce. Since millions of divorced people might cringe at being called “adulterers”, I suppose it would not be politically prudent to demonstrate in front of courthouses holding up pictures of married couples being pulled asunder.

Halliburton $35 Billion Killing

According to one credible estimate, 109,032 people died as a result of “Iraqi Freedom”. For them, freedom means release from the pain and cares of earthly existence. This number includes dead American service personnel as well as Iraqi civilians and those killed fighting the army who invaded their country. Halliburton received 35 billion dollars from the government for their Iraqi program. This comes out to $321,006.67 per human life. With this money you can buy a nice house in an American suburb.

How I Became A Heterosexual

When I was 12 years. I was faced with one of the more important decisions a young man must make – what sexual lifestyle was I going to adopt? Even though my DNA seemed to point me to the heterosexual lifestyle – I was attracted to the female form, I snuck peaks at Playboy magazine whenever the rare opportunity arose. Most of all, fantasies of having sex with a woman, any woman, took up so much of my attention that hardly a day went by when I was not nearly run over by a truck due to my intense reverie.

But despite this overwhelming attraction to the opposite sex, all this meant nothing until I made the decision, the willful act. So after days of careful deliberation, on July 19, 1961, I chose to follow the heterosexual lifestyle. And I never looked back.

LeBron Agonistes

Just got off the phone with LeBron,,, I am telling you, he is one despondent dude! Much what he said was deeply personal: how tough it was growing up without a dad. He had many people who took his place… well, I won’t say anymore.

What struck me to the core was his deep feeling of regret that he disappointed his Akron fans. When the rest of the world was calling him an “asshole” or “turn coat”, “douche bag”, “over-rated greedy mother, no, money-grubbing jerk”, you know the cruelty he had to face. I had to choke back tears, I don’t know, it gave me a funny taste in my mouth.

Now LeBron did say something relating to the game that gave me pause. He and his teammates felt that the food served to them for breakfast and lunch had a weird taste and smell – like burning olives, it was described. I googled “burning olives” and they returned useless garbage about a forest fire in Greece… what, are they kidding? I think, in fact, I know, that DUNCAN and his sordid co-horts invaded the hotel kitchen in San Antonio and POISONED the Heat’s food! The team doctor collected fecal matter from all the players for analysis. The results will be announced at the end of the week.

This world is a terrible place if athletic GODS like LeBron James can’t play basketball – just basketball – without being assaulted and insulted by evil men only to be poisoned on Father’s Day, in front of the KIDS… This is so sad… the Goths and the Visigoths have sacked the Imperial City. The Dark Ages and the Bubonic Plague will soon follow.

I’m sleeping on the roof tonight, under the stars.