Is This Me?

If you saw me on the street you would probably tell me to move to the sidewalk.  It’s safer. Maybe I remind you of your uncle who was shot and killed as a warning.  Warning of what, I have no idea.  How should I know?  Heh, I mind my own business.

When I retired as software engineer, I was working on the most secret government program of all time.  This project is so secret, I wasn’t even allowed to know my own name.  Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?  I had to create this whole new history of myself from age four to the present.  My first action was to kill off my father.  I’m not spending a second of my made-up life with that son-of-a-bitch around.

Today I worked on my play.  I acted in many plays and movies over that last 40 years, but now I can’t remember lines, my knees are shot, my mind is a huge sweaty armpit of despair.  Acting now is out of the question.   So I’m writing plays.  My goal is to twist as many minds as I can.  Especially the children.  The children.  I want to teach the masses that when faced with insurmountable problem, give up.  Walk away. Play dead, if you have to.  Let someone else take care of it.

That tippity-top secret program I was working on: a time machine.  Oops, I just committed treason. It works well on mice and monkeys.  We sent a monkey back to Palestine in the year 30 AD to witness the Crucifixion.  People back then had never seen a monkey before, especially one wearing a space suit.

Some Roman guy asked the Monkey where and when was he from.  Monkey replied “Akron, Chuckles.  Jobs 17th, 2299”

The Roman guy said, “People drop in here about every day.  From different places and times.”  He leaned toward Monkey and whispered: “See on top of the hill?  That schmuck in the middle thinks he’s King of the Jews.”


Delusional Don

Trump said that if he gets elected he will send Clinton to prison. Sorry, Donald, the criminal justice system decides that, not the president, He also promises to build the stupid wall and Mexico will pay for it. Congress first must authorize this, Trump.

The president’s job is to execute the laws, not make them.

I don’t think Donnie Boy is running for president. He’s running for dictator. How will he react when he finds out the president is limited as to what he can do, that his only real power is as — Commander-In-Chief? (Uh, oh)

MR MARK RECIPES (Prepare tasty dishes like those big shots on the Food Network)

To make MR. MARK Mushroom soup

(a) Find a grocery store. Even if you’ve gone to the same one a million times. They might have ripped it out of the ground and moved it. That has happened before.

(b) Ask an employee where to find the mushroom soup. Get a second opinion.

(c) Look for a can that has Mushroom Soup printed on it. There maybe several different cans on display. Pick the one with the prettiest label.

(d) Stand directly in front of the chosen can. With your dominant arm, reach, reach to the can, “Reach, reach, reach for the stars. Here comes Jupiter, here comes Mars!” For a final touch, as you extend your arm toward the can – grunt.  Grunt loud and proud!  Everybody LOVES a grunter.

Do You Stand Or Do You Sit?

Look around a football stadium on a Sunday afternoon. The band strikes up the National Anthem. 99% of the people stand, 1% remain seated. Of the 1%, how many believe in the deepest recesses of their souls that not standing is an appropriate way to protest racism? This does not compute for me but it’s not my deepest recesses we are talking about. Are the rest sitting because they are jackasses trying to attract attention to themselves, or to impress their girlfriend?

Now, let’s consider the 99% who do stand. How many deeply believe that standing shows respect for the millions of casualties of wars and great non-military sacrifices made for the good of America. How many are standing just because everybody else is?

The answer to all four questions is,of course, nobody knows. One conclusion you can draw is that all four groups are exercising their constitutional right. So you see 60,000 people exercising their freedom of speech leads me to ask – what is newsworthy about that? If you are an ardent patriot and you ask a committed protester why he isn’t standing, he may claim he is as much a patriot as you are, You can debate the question, write posts on the internet, why, the patriot may go to a BLM rally and lodge a protest there. Or you can scan the stadium full of people and say – I may not like what they are thinking, but nobody is doing anything wrong.


So you are the Oncologists. To the really good Americans out there, oncologists is politically correct for cancer doctors. What’s wrong with cancer doctor? That’s what you are and until you change your name to Cancer Doctors of America, you’re not getting another dime from hard working taxpayers.  (Cheers from the “I’m with stupid” T-shirt crowd the president brings with him to all his speeches)

You ought to be called “cancer quacks”. (the president quacks like a duck. His crowd roars.) You’re all a disgrace! I know more about cancer than all of you put together. I watch all the shows. You been getting billions, billions of dollars, dollars, from the government. You have done nothing except go on expensive junkets, junkets, fancy hotels in Paris. France, France. And where’s the cure? Where’s the damn cure? You’re all a bunch of pussies out there. Especially the lady doctors. Just kidding. Just kidding. Here come the tweets!

Look. It’s very, very simple, folks. You gotta go in there, see, and kill the cancer cells, kill all the cancer cells. Every one. You got that? Every single one. Can’t leave a single one. Why can’t you do that? Some of you got Nobel Prizes. Some people have told me the Nobel Prizes are rigged. I don’t know. I hope not, but the Nobel Prizes might be rigged. Lot of money there. I bet I can pick out any three of my real American people out there (Trump people cheer), put them on it, put Ivanka on it, I’ll drop in a couple hours if I have time, and we can win this whole thing in three days, maybe five. And all you so called doctors can become vets, just stay away from my dog!! I can do it because I win! Win, win win! Thank you. You’ve been a wonderful audience! Good night.

Justice Entrepreneurs

NBC showed the gas station bathroom supposedly vandalized by our four Olympic swimmers. It was shocking! The bathroom was clean. Pristine. You could perform a heart transplant in there. Maybe too small for that. Gerbils! Why not? Gerbil has a bad heart you just going to let him die?

My point is – no permanent damage to the bathroom! The toilet maintained it’s structural integrity throughout the whole ordeal. The walls were free of nicks, cracks, discoloration, bumps, HOLES. Even the humble toilet paper fly and cavity was unmolested. Did the owner repair the damage before pictures of the destruction could be transmitted around the world?

The boys made royal drunken assholes of themselves and they were dumb to lie about it. From that point all I see is an old-fashioned police shakedown. One swimmer had to pay $10000 to get his passport back. The money goes to addiction maintenance research.

This I My BLOOD OATH To The Candidacy Of Hillary Clinton

I’ve read that to oppose Trump is an act of treason. A sure ticket to hell. A crime against humanity. A curse upon my family.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: show me a video of Hillary Clinton copulating with a race horse and I’ll still vote for her. Kill me before election day, I shall raise myself from the dead to vote for Hillary Clinton. Throw me in a prison full of sexual predators who lust for 67 year old white men, I will manage to smuggle out an absentee ballot with her name checked.

I believe I made my position clear.