MR MARK RECIPES (Prepare tasty dishes like those big shots on the Food Network)

To make MR. MARK Mushroom soup

(a) Find a grocery store. Even if you’ve gone to the same one a million times. They might have ripped it out of the ground and moved it. That has happened before.

(b) Ask an employee where to find the mushroom soup. Get a second opinion.

(c) Look for a can that has Mushroom Soup printed on it. There maybe several different cans on display. Pick the one with the prettiest label.

(d) Stand directly in front of the chosen can. With your dominant arm, reach, reach to the can, “Reach, reach, reach for the stars. Here comes Jupiter, here comes Mars!” For a final touch, as you extend your arm toward the can – grunt.  Grunt loud and proud!  Everybody LOVES a grunter.

Do You Stand Or Do You Sit?

Look around a football stadium on a Sunday afternoon. The band strikes up the National Anthem. 99% of the people stand, 1% remain seated. Of the 1%, how many believe in the deepest recesses of their souls that not standing is an appropriate way to protest racism? This does not compute for me but it’s not my deepest recesses we are talking about. Are the rest sitting because they are jackasses trying to attract attention to themselves, or to impress their girlfriend?

Now, let’s consider the 99% who do stand. How many deeply believe that standing shows respect for the millions of casualties of wars and great non-military sacrifices made for the good of America. How many are standing just because everybody else is?

The answer to all four questions is,of course, nobody knows. One conclusion you can draw is that all four groups are exercising their constitutional right. So you see 60,000 people exercising their freedom of speech leads me to ask – what is newsworthy about that? If you are an ardent patriot and you ask a committed protester why he isn’t standing, he may claim he is as much a patriot as you are, You can debate the question, write posts on the internet, why, the patriot may go to a BLM rally and lodge a protest there. Or you can scan the stadium full of people and say – I may not like what they are thinking, but nobody is doing anything wrong.


So you are the Oncologists. To the really good Americans out there, oncologists is politically correct for cancer doctors. What’s wrong with cancer doctor? That’s what you are and until you change your name to Cancer Doctors of America, you’re not getting another dime from hard working taxpayers.  (Cheers from the “I’m with stupid” T-shirt crowd the president brings with him to all his speeches)

You ought to be called “cancer quacks”. (the president quacks like a duck. His crowd roars.) You’re all a disgrace! I know more about cancer than all of you put together. I watch all the shows. You been getting billions, billions of dollars, dollars, from the government. You have done nothing except go on expensive junkets, junkets, fancy hotels in Paris. France, France. And where’s the cure? Where’s the damn cure? You’re all a bunch of pussies out there. Especially the lady doctors. Just kidding. Just kidding. Here come the tweets!

Look. It’s very, very simple, folks. You gotta go in there, see, and kill the cancer cells, kill all the cancer cells. Every one. You got that? Every single one. Can’t leave a single one. Why can’t you do that? Some of you got Nobel Prizes. Some people have told me the Nobel Prizes are rigged. I don’t know. I hope not, but the Nobel Prizes might be rigged. Lot of money there. I bet I can pick out any three of my real American people out there (Trump people cheer), put them on it, put Ivanka on it, I’ll drop in a couple hours if I have time, and we can win this whole thing in three days, maybe five. And all you so called doctors can become vets, just stay away from my dog!! I can do it because I win! Win, win win! Thank you. You’ve been a wonderful audience! Good night.

Justice Entrepreneurs

NBC showed the gas station bathroom supposedly vandalized by our four Olympic swimmers. It was shocking! The bathroom was clean. Pristine. You could perform a heart transplant in there. Maybe too small for that. Gerbils! Why not? Gerbil has a bad heart you just going to let him die?

My point is – no permanent damage to the bathroom! The toilet maintained it’s structural integrity throughout the whole ordeal. The walls were free of nicks, cracks, discoloration, bumps, HOLES. Even the humble toilet paper fly and cavity was unmolested. Did the owner repair the damage before pictures of the destruction could be transmitted around the world?

The boys made royal drunken assholes of themselves and they were dumb to lie about it. From that point all I see is an old-fashioned police shakedown. One swimmer had to pay $10000 to get his passport back. The money goes to addiction maintenance research.

This I My BLOOD OATH To The Candidacy Of Hillary Clinton

I’ve read that to oppose Trump is an act of treason. A sure ticket to hell. A crime against humanity. A curse upon my family.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: show me a video of Hillary Clinton copulating with a race horse and I’ll still vote for her. Kill me before election day, I shall raise myself from the dead to vote for Hillary Clinton. Throw me in a prison full of sexual predators who lust for 67 year old white men, I will manage to smuggle out an absentee ballot with her name checked.

I believe I made my position clear.

The Trump Sucker Punch – From Whence It Came.

Give every disaffected, angry white voter a high paying, low skill job and the Trump Phenomena will disappear like a fart in the wind. The proletariat will recommit themselves to sports and drinking, leaving government to the educated class as they have in the past.

The American dream had two paths: working your way to a higher class by education and hard work or landing a high paid union job that barely needs a high school education. The latter path disappeared decades ago.

Some of the displaced workers learned a marketable skill. Others got MAD. Rather than venting their anger on the ruling class through revolution, the GOP sought to head off real change: first, by selling snake oil trickle-down economics on the electorate. Second, by setting up straw men like abortion, terrorism, and the legitimate struggles of minorities as targets of fear.

Reagan, tea parties and Trump have exploited these fears, Trump being the latest.

Raising Hell At The Bonfire

Dear Fellow Minions:

I am chairman of the committee planning the rally for Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton to be held on September 31st.

We will need 666 infants no older than 6 months old for the ceremony of human sacrifice at the climax of the event.

Blood drawn from each child will be distributed in tiny cups to all in attendance.

The spent carcasses will be tossed on a huge bonfire as Hillary supporters dance naked to heavy metal bands!

So come early ready to give over your soul to Eternal Damnation!

Hail to our Beloved Queen of Darkness. All Hail!