Don’t Slur Your Soup

You are invited over to dinner by Native American couple Doug and Valerie.

After a couple drinks, you call out to Valerie: “Hey, Pocahontas, how bringing me another beer, please.”

How long would it take for a beer can to smash your face?

How many inches of Native American boot would surgeons have to remove from your bunghole?

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Noted Activist Flung Into Hell Ass Over Tea Cup

Recently enflamed political philosopher, social commentator, shrieking racist, bathroom musician, thirty-third-degree charismatic pink turd Charles Manson finally died Sunday in Bakersfield, California. Like others throughout history who in this life proudly wore the devil’s weeds, he keeps returning to substance as he burns to ashes.

Manson’s views on white supremacy were wildly popular on alt-rt websites. His death drove Steve Bannon himself on a relentless crying.jag. “Manson was an inspirational figure in the movement,” the conservative counselor blubbered to patrons at a local meeting house this morning.

MY SQUEAKY CHAIR – From STORIES FOR WEIRD KIDS

I like to sit on my squeaky chair and rock back and forth. The faster I rock the higher the squeak, the slower the lower. As I rock I can make up tunes by varying my speeds and rhythm – that’s how. Vibrations and rhythms make up music, but you also need a conductor with long poofy hair standing at a podium in a monkey suit, flailing his head side to side, waving its tinted flags, snapping and crackling in the air until his stupid head fall off.

At a gathering of orchestras, some call a musical festival, journalists sit in their own private box drinking booze and timing how long each conductor’s head stays put before his frenzied hair flapping causes his head to snap off his neck and drop into a special box his mother weaved for this important occasion.

While boozing it up, the journalists wager money on whose head falls either first or last.

Maestro McSnod’s head tumbled after three seconds while Maestra Whoosie Soozie’s head held steadily in pert position for seventeen minutes until it loudly cracked off its stalk and rolled onto the floor.
Little Soozie’s mother lost her hands to methamphetamine addiction, and since she can’t weave with her feet, her daughter’s head fell directly to the floor. Soozie loomed high above the orchestra which provided her head with the kinetic energy needed to roll it several feet before stopping.

All children should learn as much as they can about music, the queenie of all the arts. That’s why I took the time to tell you about My Squeaky Chair.

Notes Regarding My Current Existence.

My Profile (poop-oop-da-doop!)

Raconteur, rotten cook, preternatural slob. indifferent dresser (e.g. pants below the waist “most of the time”), failed schizophrenic.

I have been ignored by 99.99999% of WORLD POP. since 1949.

According to Celestial Records, my soul waited four centuries before being fitted with latest body.

One past life I remember, but for only maybe two minutes of it.

I was a Roman soldier and I was being executed for desertion.

Sort of sounds like me.

Let Bent Knees Lead To Open Arms

The players have a point and they have made it. We respect them for having the courage to protest racial injustice publicly and to endure the scorn of millions. Now it is time for protestors to stand up when the anthem played. There is a time to speak out and a time to organize.

I am usually not one to instruct others how to spend their money, but professional athletes are awash in oodles of fresh, green cash. Enough can be pooled together to form a powerful non-profit organization dedicated to ending racial injustice in our society. With money and the charisma of famous athletes, such an organization could change a lot of attitudes.

OPEN MESSAGE TO GUN NUTS:

Including jibes like “LIBTARD” and “SNOWFLAKE” in your message make you sound like IDIOTS.
ANYBODY: liberal, moderate, conservative. man, woman, or child can point a loaded weapon at a person, pull the trigger, and kill him. Takes neither skill nor courage.
Spewing forth the make and model of a weapon, or the size and muzzle velocity of your favorite ammo, will not add to your manliness.
You will still need to get your monthly shot of testosterone.