So Humane It Will Make Your Head Spin

Donald Trump here. Happy Thanksgiving to all legal Americans. Do Muslims celebrate Thanksgiving? If not just do what you normally do – hold that – don’t do ALL you normally do.

I already have the greatest plan ever to end the immigration and refugee problems. Better than anyone’s. But as I was standing in front of my custom-made Trump! Urinal, the must fabulous urinal ever – the greatest urinal experts in the world designed it. And don’t even get me started on the Trump Gold urinal cakes. Unbelievable!

Anyway, regarding the Mexicans and Muslim refugees – and I’m speaking to them directly:

Wouldn’t it be better for everyone, better for the USA, better for you, if you all just killed yourselves?

Hillary Clinton and my wishy-washy Republican opponents will whine “That’s not politically correct”, but hear me out.

It’ll cost us a trillion dollars, the very least, to drag you back to Mexico, build the Wall, set up camps for you to stay. We’re in so much debt right now that not even I can pay it off. Your lives, let’s face it, haven’t been all that great. Why not face the music and give it a rest. Hey, we’ll engrave all your names on the Wall to honor your sacrifice. Isn’t that fabulous?

The important thing is that we are humane about this. Humane. Humanity is very, very important. So I ordered my people to invent a self-demising tool, better than cyanide, arsenic, what have you. This stuff is odorless, tasteless, painless, actually. You’re out like a light. Bam! That’s it. I had some of my staff try it, they went right out, no twitching, groaning, foaming at the mouth. Their families thanked me because this stuff was so humane.

Look at the benefits: Muslims, you go straight to paradise. The boys get 72 virgins to play with. I’ll even to raise that to 75 virgins because you are such incredible people!

And you will not believe these virgins. These are the best virgins, inside and out, in the history of the world. And I ran Miss USA contests for years so I know my virgins.

I didn’t forget you Muslim girls. You ever heard of the Chip and Dales? Best male strippers in the country. They are what they call “beefcakes”. I never watched them myself but I hear they are wonderful entertainers.

I understand you Mexicans are Catholics and self-demising is a major no-no. So I’m promising you, I’ll talk to God himself about this and get you an exemption. Obama is afraid to face God in the same room, but I’m not. Remember I am a great negotiator. I wrote a book on it and I think God and I can talk business together.

I think God will like me, I really do. We have a lot in common.

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